The Elephant in the Room (don’t mention the ‘L’ word)

I was in the arena working with Judy and her bay gelding, Sam.  It was coming to the end of the last of our sessions together at the end of a three day clinic.  She had come to the clinic wanting to work on some issues she was having with her horse when they were riding out in the countryside together, Sam had a tendency to spin and spook and got particularly upset when they passed other horses on the trail.

Although its hard to work directly on this sort of issue while in a totally enclosed indoor arena there were plenty of issues that did come to light that seemed as if they might be closely connected with the problems Judy was having.  Throughout all our sessions I made many references to leadership, and I was talking about the clarity of Judy’s leadership of her horse.   My plan was to use some exercises to show Judy that if she were to get sure about some boundaries with her horse and showed him how fast to go, where to go and which way to go (speed, direction and destination) then there was every chance that she would quickly find some improvements in the situations she was encountering out on the trail.

We were just about to finish up when Judy said something that really got me thinking; “You know”, she said, “I really don’t feel comfortable using the word ‘leadership’ in relation to my horse”.

I think Judy’s honest comment reflects a widely held view, certainly among women in the horse riding community and it does not matter if I talk to people in the UK, US or mainland Europe, I think this feeling is fairly common.

So why is the ‘L’ word the elephant in the room with us?  (Saying that the elephant is in the room with us is an English expression for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed.) I think leadership has become a dirty word in many riding circles because of heavy handed or dominance based work that we have all seen at demos, on DVDs or in some clinics where the trainer is attempting to establish some kind of dominant control over a horse in the name of leadership.  For many of us women, lacking the skill or physical strength that is demonstrated in that sort of demo, we see a picture that we don’t want to copy in our own horsemanship and so reject the whole picture, including the label that goes with it: “Leadership”.

So, its really easy to focus on the things that we don’t want, but it isn’t the whole concept of leadership that’s flawed but just one particular interpretation that some of us are not comfortable with.  So what interpretation are we happy with?

A clinics recently I have been getting right in to have a good look at the elephant right from the start of the clinic at the group dismounted session.  What I ask participants to do is to find one example of a great leader they have come across at some point and in some area of their lives.  This might be a teacher, a friend, a work colleague or boss, it could even be someone on the TV, a national figure, a fictional character or an animal.  I ask people to think about what it is about this leadership style that they really like and to sum up the most important characteristics of this style in just a few words. 

Here is an example of one of the leadership stories that we discussed at a clinic, this is about an English teacher, kindly shared here by Steine. 

Kirsten Mcguire was an exceptional woman and teacher. She possessed so many admirable qualities that did not only influence the way we were taught but the way we lived. First of all she was a calm and balanced woman. She never lost her self control, never raised her voice and never seemed annoyed. No matter what happened she was always in complete balance. You might think we could do as we pleased since she never corrected us, but she possessed a large amount of authority which made us respect her, we had no doubt that she could put her foot down if necessary and for exactly that reason it never became necessary.
Beside this she was highly motivating. Especially because she had the amazing ability to meet each individual where they were. This made everybody feel good enough and encouraged a positive development because she would always focus on the things you did well. She was so enthusiastic that you could not help but being caught by her joy.
When it all comes down to it she was an encouraging teacher who gave us all trust in ourselves, she was dependable, a steady rock to lean on. She was consistent and present and she made the classes a sanctuary for us all.
I never thought about leadership back then, but the moment I was asked to think about one person whom I looked upon as a great leader she was the one just coming to my mind. She possessed every value which is important to me, and most importantly she made everybody feel accepted and good enough, made them comfortable and to me this is the greatest thing to do for another person.

From this story we can establish certain values that are important to this person, for example; calm, balance, authority, motivation, the ability to meet people where they are, consistency, presence, dependability, trust and acceptance.   Its really useful to know what your values are as they are associated with worth, meaning and desire for you.  They are the primary source of motivation and when values are met people feel a sense of satisfaction and harmony, when they are not met the feelings are often the opposite.  Note that our values are very personal to us.  Other typical values identified by others on the same clinic were achievement, creativity, integrity, caring and freedom.

Any time someone encourages you to adopt someone else’s leadership style, and the values which go with it, then its likely that the elephant will continue to stand quietly in the room with us.  However it is worth noting that leaders do just that, they do lead effectively so on some level our great leaders do need to have an ability to find authority and present things in a way that we actually want to follow.

Our job it to design a personal and effective leadership style which incorporates these qualities and is going to have integrity and congruence for us.  We may need to learn some new skills that are going to help us to do that in all situations with a horse but just a change in attitude and acceptance that leadership can be a positive idea can turn around many human - horse relationships for the better.